Content warning: death, mental health
Happy new year. Or whatever.
My bones hurt. My eyelids are too heavy for my face and even the sunshine of my (no longer) recent trip to Barcelona or regular walks in the winter light haven’t scrubbed away the sharp black hum I’ve been feeling. I have a SAD light. I meditate. I do yoga. If it weren’t so bloody cold, I’d go biking. I do squats when I brush my teeth and I use dialectical behavioural exercises to calm the mother fuck down, reframe, CBT, etc. I eat well, I exercise, I’ve done the therapy and the reading. I have been incapable of writing to you.
cc/by/sa Laura Hilliger
In November, I read a book by a woman who curated her multiple years worth of therapy. She recorded and transcribed her sessions with her psychiatrist. Then she wrote two books about her brain. Then she died. She was 35, cause of death not disclosed. Her brain did a lot of the same things my brain does. What a shame. I read a post (that I can’t find again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) about how normal this woman was, right up until she died. Death has a way of making us special.
Three months ago, I wrote that I was struggling and I’ve been definitively up Shit’s Creek without a paddle. It has been very sucky, especially when I had a shed full of paddles as recently as recently.
My nervous system has been going haywire, like someone ripped out an electrical cable and is letting it bounce above a puddle of water. I’ve been cowering on a ledge, waiting for it to stop flying around. I was barely holding my mask in place the last few weeks of work last year, but I managed enough. Over the break, I didn’t get the kind of rest I needed, but I did rest. A little.
I survived my self, which is, I know, enough. I go into this New Year much the same person I have always been, but newly reminded that my brain is an absolute asshole and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
- My website is a junk drawer > https://www.laurahilliger.com/writing/my-website-is-a-junk-drawer/
- I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki > https://www.bookishelf.com/i-want-to-die-but-i-still-want-to-eat-tteokbokki-by-baek-se-hee/
- Understanding yourself isn’t enough > https://blog.dougbelshaw.com/understanding-yourself/
Maybe I’m chainsawing
Artist Uses Chainsaw to Carve Giant Octopus into a Fallen Redwood Tree
“In other words, in order to make sense of language, we must imagine a mind behind the text, and furthermore we do this reflexively and instinctively. So, when we encounter the output of a large language model, we make sense of it by constructing an imagined mind that isn’t there.” Emily Bender
As part of my effort to remain kicking, I unsubscribed. I went offline completely in December and for much of the last few months, I did not read the news, check in on the Internet, follow along with whatever this digital social world actually is. A cybernetic hive mind*? An algorithmic library? The “Network”?
I retreat when the darkness comes. I retreat in general, but especially from the Internet because the internet is no longer full of light. It is horrible for mental health. Retreat is the wrong word, I cower. Anyway, this is dragging me down, so I’m going to stop whining about what the internet has become and tell you about chainsaws instead.
Any little farm in the middle of the city probably has use for a chainsaw, and I certainly did up until last year. I did not, however, buy a chainsaw because chainsaws are for big woods. The worst thing you can do in purchasing a chainsaw is buy a pretend chainsaw. If you are buying a chainsaw, you need to get a quality machine. I absolutely understand the economic implications. But the mini chainsaw on sale at your local Aldi is not a real chainsaw and you should not buy that.
A chainsaw is the kind of thing you should only buy if you have real use for it and/or can share it will an entire neighbourhood. Not many people who live in cities have a legitimate excuse for owning a chainsaw. I have a neighbour with a chainsaw. He’s actually an arborist. I did his logo and his website. I don’t have to buy a chainsaw.
Once I went to a chainsaw sculpture contest. There were chainsaw artists from around Europe, I guess, who were chainsawing their art and someone was selling bratwurst. They wanted 80€ entry though, which seemed quite exorbitant, so I didn’t go in.
So those are some of the things I have to say about chainsaws. Likely there are more, but not today. Instead, I’m going to share some random links and go about my day.
- AI took my job so I bought a chainsaw > https://archive.is/20260102180626/https://www.nytimes.com/2025/12/28/opinion/artificial-intelligence-jobs.html
- How the hell are you supposed to have a career in tech in 2026? > https://www.anildash.com/2026/01/05/a-tech-career-in-2026/
- NINE BELLS morning routines > https://warrenellis.ltd/timestamp/nine-bells-morning-routines/
- Obligatory Mozfest post > https://www.laurahilliger.com/techie/obligatory-mozfest-post/
- The rise of the troll state > https://www.garbageday.email/p/the-rise-of-the-troll-state
*I wrote this and then thought “Surely I’m not that smart, someone else has written a paper about this” and sure enough – https://www.mdpi.com/2673-2688/3/2/27 – I haven’t read this thoroughly, and frankly I probably won’t. But I can think of a few people who might like to pick this apart.
Maybe I need help
When the aliens finally decide to bring us all unlimited jelly beans and optional telekinetic powers, I will use those jelly beans to fill up a pool. I will swim amongst them.