When someone says “the winner is Laura Hilliger!”, it’s nearly impossible to consider myself as a tiny part of a collective whole. That is, however, what I am. Many different people, organizations and projects are responsible for me winning the 2020 Women in IT Digital Leader of the Year award.
Everyone needs some validation from time to time, and this award certainly serves me some needed external validation. That’s nice. It’s nice to be recognized for the complex and often trying work I’ve been doing. And truth be told, being a woman in IT is rather…annoying a lot of the times.
Career paths are curvy
A coalescence of skill, experience, and circumstance led me here. I will take some credit because I am driven and I do see big pictures and I’m strategic and I did flick down some dominoes that knocked down other dominoes and I should be allowed to speak kindly about myself in public. But I also see this award as belonging to a wide network of people whom I can’t possibly thank individually.
If you and I ever worked together, ever had a work related conversation, ever sent each other a note about technology, the web, design, leadership, open source, ambition, feminism, co-ops, environmentalism or any of the thousands of other topics I put in the “work” category, then consider this post a thank you.
We’re all connected
I find it quite difficult to rectify the discrepancies between rationality and emotionalism. Perhaps saying it out loud helps. I am (have long been) making the effort to stop thinking of myself through the broad lens of individuality, but it’s not easy to emotionally deconstruct the self. Intellectually it’s quite easy indeed, I just think about entropy and dissipating energy and POOF my concept of self is non-existent.
My career is not my own, and though I’ve made decisions in this lengthy road that has twisted and turned me into the position of being Digital Leader of the Year, it is the influence of coworkers, colleagues and friends along the way who are truly responsible.
If I hadn’t written my master thesis on web literacy, I probably wouldn’t be a founding member of We Are Open Co-op. If an ex-Mozilla colleague hadn’t pointed me to the Open Ambassador’s program, I wouldn’t have joined that community and found like-minded people looking to solve the intellectual puzzles of open principles. If I hadn’t had the support of the Planet 4 team early on, we wouldn’t have convinced Greenpeace to run this thing openly. If I hadn’t reached out to people at Red Hat about a collaboration with Greenpeace, I wouldn’t have been nominated for this award.
Normal for women in tech
It feels awkward to win an award because while people have said I deserve it, if I believe that, is it self worth or arrogance? Does self promotion make me narcissistic? When am I allowed to be loud?
I, like many women in tech and/or leadership positions, study my emails to ensure their diplomacy. I reword things a thousand times so that I don’t offend. I must weigh every word and no matter how I phrase things, others assume a viewpoint I have not claimed. I have been called “aggressive” with a sneer. I have been told not to “brag” when talking about an accomplishment or even just my expertise. People, men, expect me to quiet down, adhere to feminine stereotypes, work for free, work twice as hard, earn less, need less…well, just be less. I’m a typical too much woman, and I’m one of the very privileged.
